soul that you used to be
by TrisscarPrisstal
Summary: from when raphael santiago was a little four year old kid to when he became a monster he hated.
When Raphael was 4 his favourite colour was blue and he loved the beach. He was doing very well in school, especially art and music class where he could sing and draw as much as he wanted. His teachers often used to praise him, saying he had a voice of an angel and that his pictures of a happy family enjoying a sunny day were beautiful. His Abuela made him promise to join his church's choir when he could because a voice like his shouldn't be wasted.

When Raphael was 5 he wasn't sure that he liked the name Raphael. He wanted something shorter and easier to say and so many people had taken to calling him 'Raph'. Sometimes he liked to go and sit outside and look at the people hunched over, never looking at each other and wondered what could be so important that everyone always had to be so worried about. At night he hugged his stuffed cheetah named Cisco, because at five years old Raphael thought no animal was better than the cheetah. They looked strong and ran so fast and someday Raphael hoped to be just as fast as them.

When Raphael was 6 he used to cry at night because his father was never around. And when he did show up, he and his mother always argued and got into fights and sometimes things fell down with a slam. In the morning his father would always be gone and his mother would have a wobbly smile and a new scar that wasn't there before. Six year old Raphael didn't understand what abuse was and what his mother was going through but he gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek before going to school.

When Raphael was 7 he got his first little brother and was _oh_ so excited. Everyday after school he'd go to his mother and put his ear against her belly and giggle because mommy was getting big. People stopped calling him 'Raph', and the little boy started learning Math and English. His favourite book was Amelia Bedelia and he was the fastest reader in the class. As the days went by he started using Cisco a little less but still had him at the edge of his bed just in case. He wasn't sure where his father was but the screaming stopped and he was happy he could get a nice night of sleep.

When Raphael was 8 he moved. His mother had gotten a job somewhere on the other side of the country and everyone had packed and left. Raphael's little brother was now a little over a few months old and was named Dante. He cried very night and while Raphael loved his little brother he was also very annoyed. His mother had more lines under her eyes and looked more tired in the mornings but she pressed her lips together and didn't say a single word to anyone.

When Raphael was 9 his new teacher did everything possible to make his life terrible. He never picked on Raphael and then complained during parent teacher conferences that Raphael didn't participate enough. He 'accidentally' threw out Raphael's drawings and never helped Raphael when he needed it. Dante was a little over one years old and he smiled at everyone and said silly little words that made Raphael giggle. Raphael threw himself into work and studying determined to the best person he could be because even though he was nine he could tell that his mother was tired.

When Raphael was 10 his mother sat down with him and told him that she was pregnant again. This time Raphael was confused because she wasn't married and how could someone get pregnant if they wren't married? His mother ruffled his hair and smiled telling him sometimes adults could do things without having to be in a proper relationship. This puzzled Raphael very much and he said so earning a quick laugh from his mother. He wasn't sure what it was for but he liked hearing it because his mother hadn't laughed in a while and he almost forgotten the sound of it. He was the best reader and the best kid at math in his school and told his mother so earning another smile.

When Raphael was 11 another man started coming to his house more often. Now that he was older Raphael could tell that this man Meant A Lot to his mother and so Raphael did everything he could to make him feel welcome. The man ruffled his hair a lot and played with him in the park and said his name was Michael. He raced with him around the house and whispered stories to him about brave boys going on adventures. Raphael grew a knack for elaborate pranks and had perfected a look of pure innocence. He got more friends and learned how to respond to things more sarcastically. On TV a lot of them looked different from him and very rarely did he see anyone who looked remotely liked him. When someone did show up they were usually the bad guys and Raphael ended up crying because was he destined to be the bad guy? But then he shook his head no because of he was the bad guy than how come his mother always whispered 'I love you my angel' to him and how come Michael always seemed to have time to spend with him?

When Raphael was 12 a bunch of kids shoved him to the ground and spat at him. He didn't understand why because he was just a kid and he didn't do anything wrong. They said things to him he didn't understand and finally said to him to go back to where he came from. He didn't understand it because this was where he was from. He had grown up here and although he wasn't born here, most of his childhood memories consisted of this area. As he walked around the streets more people threw him dirty looks as if he was the worst thing to walk the earth. Confused he asked Michael whos face turned into something of anger and he gave Raphael the biggest and most tightest hug he had ever gotten. At twelve years old Raphael didn't need hugs as much and he told Michael so as he pushed him off to which he smiled and said that Raphel was going to grow up to be one hell of a kid. (Raphael didn't tell his mother that Michael said a bad word. It was a secret)

When Raphael was 13 he had three little brothers and already he could see signs of another one coming. His mother had to work all day to support them because even with Michael there wasn't enough money to go around. Raphael started baby sitting his little brothers more and taking responsibilities around the house. He had become the unofficial person to clean up around the house and got the three young boys ready for school every morning. His mother dropped them off at school and everyday Michael would pick them up. And then one day Michael didn't show up. He had gotten in an accident and wasn't recovering. A few hours later his fourth little brother was born. The little one made barely, his mother completely broken, from the news of her lovers death. She ate little and had a detached look in her eyes. She moved but there was a hollowness to everything she did and even though she tried to hide it, she cried herself to sleep every night.

When Raphael was 14 he had three jobs in order to support his family. He cleaned, babysat, and during the winter time he shoveled snow. He'd do his homework during the night and while he got good marks, he was no longer the best student. He fed his brothers every day and made sure to keep a roof over their heads to protect them from the rain. Fourteen year old Raphael hadn't thought about his drawing from ten years ago with the happy family going about their business on a nice sunny day. He was too busy making sure that his brothers were happy and had a smile on their faces. His mother had turned into a shell of a person, never quite recovering from the abuse she went through and the loss of the only man who loved her. He worked quietly, never complaining or letting his exhaustion show. He gave his little brothers Cisco, figuring they needed the animal far more than he did. He turned tougher, more sarcastic and snarky building up walls higher as the days went by.

When Raphael was 15 he officially joined the choir in his church because God he was still raised a good catholic and he had promised his Abuela years ago that he would. His brothers were growing up and gaining more independence, he didn't need to help them as much anymore but he still did. He had made a few friends over the years and they had wanted to go vampire hunting. He had greed to do so because even though the poor kid had the world on his shoulders he had a mischievous glint in his eyes and loved doing reckless things. But a part of him was fearful of what would happen so he kissed his mother on her forehead that night and gave each of his brothers a hug despite never doing so in the past. He left a jar of several hundreds to support them, and knew that if anything happened Dante would take over. That night he prayed that nothing would happen, that he could come back on his two feet and still support his family and not leave them. That night he had Turned and in his desperation for blood had killed all his friends. After realizing what horrendous being he was he ran and ran, faster than he ever had. (He was faster than a cheetah he realized with a start)

When Raphael was 16 he returned back to his family. Unsurprisingly Dante had taken over and was the sole reason there was still a roof over everyones head. He looked more tired, as if the world kicked him around and gave him a break only to laugh at him. Dante didn't ask any questions, he simply looked Raphael over and opened the door. No one asked him where he had been for a year, no one yelled at him. A part of him wondered what he would have told them, and another part wondered if they already knew. His mother was getting better - had gotten better in the year he was absent. She was at least walking around and could hold a conversation with a few people and had started eating once more. Raphael retook his job as eldest brother and found jobs during the late night. He slept during the day, not bothering to go to school. He'd have eternity to learn about foolish mundane things. Slowly, Raphael met his family once more and developed his relationship with them. During the day he dreamt of sandy beaches with a bright sun beaming down, his family happy and not tired. He imagined his life as a normal teenager who had a mother and father that loved him and a world where he wasn't forced to grow up as fast as he did. But then he shook himself out of those thoughts because they were silly and right now wasn't the time for silliness. (Briefly he wondered when it _would_ be time for silliness)


End file.
